“I miss your smile.”
Four words that have had a profound and everlasting impact on my life. A week before my mother passed, we were deep in conversation on her patio discussing life.
At one point in our conversation my mother looked at me and said, “I miss your smile.” I told her, “me too.” I was going through a difficult chapter in my life and had seemingly lost my smile. I would go on to share with her that I just felt too much, about too many things and it felt overwhelming. In our current world we would characterize this as being an empath. I shed tears as I explained my worries, fears, insecurities, and hopes – trying to make sense of a great big world that I felt I was carrying on my shoulders.
My mom looked at me, and with unmitigated assurance and certainty told me, “Take it a day at a time, control what you can control, and you will find your smile again.” My smile has disappeared on more than one occasion in recent weeks, which have been embedded in turbulent months. Each day, my mother’s words find a way to remind me to take it a day at a time.
As a black man, I am exhausted right now. My days are filled with tears, worry, anger, and fatigue. There are days where I avoid looking into the mirror because I don’t want to see myself with a missing smile. Each day my mom’s words resonate in my heart and guide me towards controlling what I can control. To take it one day at a time and know that my smile will return. I remain rooted in the fact that there is more good, than bad in the world.
I remain rooted in the fact that there is more love than hate. I remain rooted in the fact that through the abyss, living a life heart-forward allows us to cast a light that the world so desperately needs. Finally, I remain rooted in the fact that people want to be seen, heard, and loved.
My mother was a professional artist when it came to weaving profanity and a scholarly lexicon together and creating a masterpiece. In my final conversation with her, she dissected my worries, and fears with unconditional love and a biting tongue. My mother gifted me the greatest present ever when she delivered a line that has been programmed into me and serves as my compass for life. “James, we all make choices. Make choices that bring you joy, challenge you and make you happy. If you do those things you will always be able to find your way back to your smile.”
In this time of turmoil and unrest, I choose to surround myself with individuals who lift me up and return me to myself. I choose to acknowledge that some days are just difficult, and tiring. I choose to believe that our next generation has all the answers and will lead us to where we want to go. I choose to challenge myself to learn, unlearn and relearn to continue to evolve as a person, learner, and leader.
My smile will be found. My smile will return. I will continue to make choices that bring me joy, challenge me, and make me happy.
Until we smile again.